Day 4 in the hospital

The cheery just-keep-swimming mantra stopped playing around midday yesterday, and there may be a silver lining on this cloud but I haven't been outside in 4 days so I can't see it. I just want to go home but I can't breathe there either so what's the point. I know I'll get through this, and eventually I'll be home again, but nothing will have changed. It'll still be super hard for me to breathe and walk and function at all, much less function near normal, and even though I'll be going to Mayo Clinic I still have to find a way to shoulder through every day before that- being worried to leave my house, dreading the weather report, being terrified to go to work especially, but you can't just not go. There are bills to be paid and the world expects you to just keep functioning like normal until you can prove to their satisfaction that you're not. The charade is exhausting, acting like everything is fine just to make the people around you comfortable, going out of your way to make your employers and coworkers not feel awkward even though they have no qualms about doing the same. I know they have no clue exactly how much I do to make them feel better, but I don't have enough energy to make both of us happy and unfortunately for them, I can't breathe. I don't know how to explain it so they understand and I don't know how to make them listen and I don't know how to tell my doctors how I'm feeling without them going "Oh it's just asthma" and brushing it off. I have all these roads to take but no signs and no guide and I think I forgot my shoes. I'll walk the road because what else can I do, but just keep going.